Welcome to the couch!
At my third open mic, I felt so out of place. I was 50, not long out as trans, and a former conservative reporter and cable news talking head working a $17-an-hour grocery job—a far cry from the younger, straight comics surrounding me.
After my set, the host—a guy around my age—offered a simple word of encouragement. He gave me the best advice I’ve ever received in comedy: “Your greatest disadvantage is your greatest advantage. You know exactly what people are thinking when you get up there.”
I’ve thought of that often since connecting with Kenny, whose work helps people find their truth and helps us see ourselves more clearly. I answered a call for comedy writers he posted on Instagram.
As I delved into “shadow work,” I realized how relevant it is to both my life and my second career as a comic. Great comedy, like therapy, is rooted in truth; there’s always more behind the best punchlines.
That realization birthed “Comedians on the Couch.” I’m so thrilled to partner with Kenny. Despite being halfway across the world from each other, we’ve found a lot more common ground than differences—including, let’s just get this out of the way, fantastic hair. (Revlon, call us!)
But there’s so much more. We’ve both made huge life changes that have, no doubt, brought joy, but also tremendous stress, sacrifice, and pain. And yet, we have never felt more alive.
When I tell people about coming out as trans in my late 40s, they sometimes think everything that came before was a lie. I’ve always gently push back on that idea because, for me, to live a lie is to know the truth, and my truth has always been hard to pin down.
That’s why, as I got to know Kenny, I kept coming back to this message posted on his Instagram page: “You are free to be any version of yourself you choose.” The words resonated with me deeply.
For so much of my life, I did not give myself permission to be anybody other than the person I thought I was supposed to be—to do a good job in the eyes of religion, parents, peers, and society. I was so stressed out about whether I measured up, whether I was doing the things I was supposed to do.
When I saw that passage about being free to be who you want to be, it felt empowering. And my mind drifted back to comedy. I thought of a line I often use in another joke:
“If there is one thing I have learned in my journey from Jim to Jamie, from Fox News to foxy, it’s this: When you hit rock bottom, there are always people in your life who tell you to just be, to live your truth, to be yourself.
And you’re going to want to get that in writing in a signed and notarized affidavit because when you tell everybody, ‘I’m an openly trans, organic grocery store worker and nightclub comedian,’ nobody’s giving you high-fives—just referrals.”
The thing about that joke is, it’s absolutely true. That’s my life. In the early days of comedy, I was a little uncomfortable with the laughs. It made me wonder: Is my life a punchline? But now I don’t mind at all. I realize there is joy in my journey. Of course, I can laugh about it on stage. But in life, of course, things get a lot messier.
Since coming out as Jamie, I am more than five years sober. I’ve lost more than 35 pounds. I have a job in special education that I love. I ride my bicycle around telling jokes at night. And I have family and friends who love me. What more could I want?
Before, though, I lived so much of my life to be the person I thought I was supposed to be to do a good job, and I never even considered the possibility I could be anybody else. The secret life I lead was not so much a lie as an escape patch to release the pressure.
These days, the person I choose to be is a person who doesn’t know who they are, and who is endlessly searching. And that’s what works best for me. Every day, I am learning more. And believe me, I have sat on my share of therapist couches over the years. But I’ve never been happier to be on this one — no copay!
I can’t wait to learn and laugh with Kenny as we enjoy the art of comedy, but also appreciate that beneath every joke from a place of truth is a story about ourselves. I am going to laugh a lot, learn a lot, and grow a little, too.
I hope you will, too, and give us a listen!